If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
