You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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