Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
