...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
