I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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