I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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