Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
