Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
