I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
