The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
