We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
