Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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