If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
