we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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