I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
