Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
