then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
