Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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