My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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