God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
