I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wish you could order shots online.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
