I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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