if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
