I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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