I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
