Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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