my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
