So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I want a musical about memes.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
