If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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