wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
