Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
