Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
