I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
