the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
