Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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