What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
