This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Did I show you my penis last night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
