I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
