on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
