So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
