I wish I only lived at night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
vagina is talking i cant
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
