two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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