I will die if light touches me.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
