So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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