the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
