it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
