I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
