I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
