I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
