I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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