it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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