angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
