dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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