A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
