It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
