nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize