Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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