omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize