Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
